Mystery Files (Volume 2)

PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF COMBS AND EVANSTON CONVERSAION
DECEMBER 2, 2013

EVANSTON: So how did the inspection go?

COMBS: Eh.

EVANSTON: Just eh? Come on! Tell me what happened.

COMBS: (Mumbles incoherently) Fine. Whatever.

COMBS: As you know, the inspection for my apartment was supposed to be at one o’clock. Well, guess what? That shit didn’t happen. It was around three something before that bitch finally showed up.

EVANSTON: And which bitch are we referring to?

COMBS: Old Lady McReedy. Anyway, I’m sitting here waiting and waiting and I’m starting to get hungry. I didn’t want to make anything huge since McReedy could show up any minute. I wound up having a banana. Worst. Mistake. Of my life.

EVANSTON: Why?

COMBS: (sigh) Bananas make me gassy.

EVANSTON: (laughs) Oh my God! Really? (laughs)

COMBS: Yeah. So ten minutes after I ate it, my stomach started feeling queasy. Five minutes after that, the first rumbles began. Then all hell broke loose.

EVANSTON: (laughs)

COMBS: After farting for goodness knows how long, I heard a knock at the door.

EVANSTON: The bitch?

COMBS: The bitch.

COMBS: I invite her in, right, and she suddenly has this fucked up look on her face like she had just sucked off a lemon. At first, I thought she might have saw something offensive hanging on my walls but I then I remembered I had removed all my nudie velvet paintings last week. McReedy’s like "Oh my----What on earth is that horrid smell?" Now, what could I do, man? I had to admit it or my twitchy eye would give me away.

EVANSTON: No!

COMBS: Yes! I just simply said, "Sorry about that." You’d think that bitch would be understanding but noooooo! Her mouth practically drops to the floor and all she can mutter is, "You… You’re an animal!"

EVANSTON: (laughs)

COMBS: Then a sound akin to a shotgun ripped through my furry cheecks. There was nothing I could do.

EVANSTON: And the bitch?

COMBS: Oh, she screamed like a banshee, running out the damned door. She practically ripped it off the fucking hinges.

EVANSTON: That’s messed up.

COMBS: There. Now you know. Happy now?

EVANSTON: I am. (snicker)

EVANSTON: So me about this new hooker friend you’ve been seeing?

COMBS: Puta on the fly.

EVANSTON: What?

COMBS: Puta on the fly.

EVANSTON: Now don’t start that shit again!

TRANSCRIPT ENDED